You've heard all the conspiracy theories--U.S. Presidents are controlled by the Freemasons; they are concealing the reality of alien visits from the public; they have a mysterious secret phone line that can call the future; and they only wear underwear in months that contain the letter R. All of these are true, of course, but what of their personal secrets? Each of our presidents, believe it or not, was a distinct and unique person (except, of course, for John Quincy Adams, who was really just John Adams with sideburns [see above image]). Here are just a few things you didn't know about the presidents you know (or knew in eighth grade) and love (or feel complete disinterest towards).
George Washington (1789-97)
Most of our first president's secrets are fairly well known. But I bet you didn't know that he owned a Lhasa Apso named "Alexander Hamilton."
John Adams (1797-1801)
See: John Quincy Adams
Thomas Jefferson (1801-09)
Notorious for his delicate nerves, Jefferson spent much of the revolution and our country's youth having pranks played on him by his fellow Founding Fathers. The most famous of these pranks was when John Adams slipped a passage into the Declaration of Independence just before it was sent to King George that read:
James Madison (1809-17)
Madison's white, powdered, perfectly coiffed hair wasn't a wig; it was real.
James Monroe (1817-25)
Monroe was our first gay president.
John Quincy Adams (1825-29)
Contrary to popular belief, he was not John Adams' son, but rather John Adams himself. Adams' extraordinarily long lifespan is generally attributed to long walks and daily masturbation.
Andrew Jackson (1829-37)
He proposed the ill-fated six dollar bill.
Martin Van Buren (1837-41)
Van Buren, our first Dutch president, wore wooden clogs at all times and as a child had long, blond hair.
William Henry Harrison (March 1841-April 1841)
The illness that led to his "demise" soon after his inauguration was not pneumonia, but rather a gradual descent into vampirism after being bitten by what was assumed to be a disgruntled Democratic-Republican opponent. Harrison lives on as a vampire known as "Darian."
John Tyler (1841-45)
John Tyler did nothing of interest.
James K. Polk (1845-49)
Polk was unique in his obsession with the octopus. He felt it was the "most noble beast of the sea" and owned over 64 of them.
Zachary Taylor (1849-50)
Taylor's presidency was also cut short by tragedy, as he was devoured by his Vice President, Millard Fillmore little more than a year into his first term.
Millard Fillmore (1850-53)
Fillmore was notorious for his sudden hunger attacks, during which he would uncontrollably devour everything in sight. Upon regaining his sense after devouring Taylor, he is said to have looked at his blood-covered visage in the mirror and, realizing what he had done, wept for the duration of his presidency, wracked with self-loathing.
Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
Franklin Pierce wore rudimentary contact lenses.
James Buchanan (1857-61)
Buchanan was our second gay president.
Abraham Lincoln (1861-65)
History has canonized the image of Lincoln with his trademark beard and stovepipe hat, but did you know that following a tragic accident in which his hat was tragically destoved, Lincoln shaved his beard and became "Shaveraham Lincoln?" In one speech, Shaveraham famously declared "In this darkest of times, when brother has turned against brother, friend against friend, when our nation has been torn asunder, how can I presume to grant my face the comfort and security of a beard? You see before you my sorrow and grief laid as bare as my chin."
Andrew Johnson (1865-69)
Like Andrew Jackson, but different.
Ulysses S. Grant (1869-77)
The "S" stands for strangulation, a reference to Grant's predilection for strangling Southerners, which is largely how the Civil War was won. What you DON'T know is that Grant was actually the puppet of his first Vice President, Schuyler Colfax, Jr., after whom New Jersey was named.
Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-81)
The "B" didn't actually stand for anything, Hayes was just jealous of Grant's middle initial.
James A. Garfield (March 1881-September 1881)
Another middle initial wannabe. After his assassination, Garfield's middle initial was appropriated by his successor, Chester A. Arthur.
Chester A. Arthur (1881-85)
Due to a childhood accident, Arthur had a debilitating fear of stairs that severely limited his ability to move about the White House.
Grover Cleveland (1885-89)
Cleveland had a long career as a spy and master of disguise before becoming president, and often disappeared for long periods of time before mysteriously reappearing. He did this, rather than running for re-election, after his first term was over.
Benjamin Harrison (1889-93)
Throughout his time in office, Harrison was plagued by a mysterious voice that criticized his every move and followed him around the White House. By the end of four years, he was a nervous wreck and refused to run again.
Grover Cleveland (1893-97)
Cleveland easily regained the presidency after revealing that he had, in fact, been in the White House for the past four years, posing as a potted deer fern.
William McKinley (1897-1901)
McKinley was extremely virile and fathered over 200 children.
Theodore Roosevelt (1901-09)
Contrary to popular belief, Teddy Roosevelt was actually a small, thin, and sickly man who preferred to stay indoors. He had a very skilled and imaginative press secretary, however.
William Howard Taft (1909-13)
Taft once became lodged in a train car for 4 days before he could be greased sufficiently to slide free.
Woodrow Wilson (1913-21)
His famous Fourteen Points on how to prevent another debilitating war were actually initially Fifteen Points. The missing point was: "All should agree that the President of the United States should be given a special hat which designates his primacy in world relations and allows him to eat for free at all restaurants the world over."
Warren G. Harding (1921-23)
Created an official edict reestablishing the importance of the presidential middle initial.
Calvin Coolidge (1923-29)
He refused to take on a middle initial because he liked his name so much.
Herbert Hoover (1929-33)
Hoover chose a middle initial, but lost it in the stock market crash.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-45)
"Agent D" was a secret merman spy. (See "Lesser-Known Wars of the Twentieth Century," Gargoyle Vol. XCVIII, No. 3)
Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)
For years, the military used Truman as a kind of human super-weapon. He was almost preternaturally skilled in the art of war. A common misconception is that two atomic bombs
were dropped on Japan at the conclusion of World War Two. In fact,
only one was dropped on Hiroshima. The population of Nagasaki was wiped out
entirely by President Truman himself.
Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-61)
Very few people who knew Ike actually liked him.
John F. Kennedy (1961-63)
The term "Camelot," describing Kennedy's short period in office was surprisingly apt. Kennedy was, in fact, a descendant of King Arthur and once pulled a golden fountain pen out of a stone.
Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-69)
Johnson was not only sworn in on Air Force One, he actually lived on Air Force One, which remained in the air for the duration of his presidency.
Richard Nixon (1969-74)
Nixon was a pretty nice guy once you got past his asshole exterior.
Gerald Ford (1974-77)
Ford was our first android president.
Jimmy Carter (1977-81)
One night, on a lonely country road, Jimmy Carter murdered a young hitchhiker. He never told a soul and the boy's body was never found.
Ronald Reagan (1981-89)
Reagan ended the Cold War by recruiting a secret team of top scientists to create "Global Warming," which defrosted Russia just enough to cripple its Communist resolve.
George H. W. Bush (1989-93)
In an effort to outdo his predecessors, Bush Sr. took on two middle initials.
Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
Clinton has had sexual intercourse with over thirty world leaders, including Yasser Arafat and Roseanne Barr.
George W. Bush (2001-09)
Dubya is actually capable of speaking to animals, which is why he sometimes seems unaccustomed to speaking English.
Barack Obama (2009-?)
It's hard to say what interesting things Barry-O will do as president. This historian only hopes that Joe Biden does not give him rabies.
[This article originally published in Vol. C, No. 3 of the Gargoyle Humor Magazine]
Most of our first president's secrets are fairly well known. But I bet you didn't know that he owned a Lhasa Apso named "Alexander Hamilton."
John Adams (1797-1801)
See: John Quincy Adams
Thomas Jefferson (1801-09)
Notorious for his delicate nerves, Jefferson spent much of the revolution and our country's youth having pranks played on him by his fellow Founding Fathers. The most famous of these pranks was when John Adams slipped a passage into the Declaration of Independence just before it was sent to King George that read:
...and the humble writer of this Declaration, a Mr. Thomas Jefferson would beg Your Highness to kick him with the greatest expedience, as he is a fiend who smells of rotten vegetables and violates swine for sport.This was the beginning of a bitter enmity between the two that lasted for most of their lives and compelled Jefferson to invent the swivel chair, lazy Susan, and other objects that might confuse Adams by spinning. These measures were, however, largely unsuccessful.
James Madison (1809-17)
Madison's white, powdered, perfectly coiffed hair wasn't a wig; it was real.
James Monroe (1817-25)
Monroe was our first gay president.
John Quincy Adams (1825-29)
Contrary to popular belief, he was not John Adams' son, but rather John Adams himself. Adams' extraordinarily long lifespan is generally attributed to long walks and daily masturbation.
Andrew Jackson (1829-37)
He proposed the ill-fated six dollar bill.
Martin Van Buren (1837-41)
Van Buren, our first Dutch president, wore wooden clogs at all times and as a child had long, blond hair.
William Henry Harrison (March 1841-April 1841)
The illness that led to his "demise" soon after his inauguration was not pneumonia, but rather a gradual descent into vampirism after being bitten by what was assumed to be a disgruntled Democratic-Republican opponent. Harrison lives on as a vampire known as "Darian."
John Tyler (1841-45)
John Tyler did nothing of interest.
James K. Polk (1845-49)
Polk was unique in his obsession with the octopus. He felt it was the "most noble beast of the sea" and owned over 64 of them.
Zachary Taylor (1849-50)
Taylor's presidency was also cut short by tragedy, as he was devoured by his Vice President, Millard Fillmore little more than a year into his first term.
Millard Fillmore (1850-53)
Fillmore was notorious for his sudden hunger attacks, during which he would uncontrollably devour everything in sight. Upon regaining his sense after devouring Taylor, he is said to have looked at his blood-covered visage in the mirror and, realizing what he had done, wept for the duration of his presidency, wracked with self-loathing.
Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
Franklin Pierce wore rudimentary contact lenses.
James Buchanan (1857-61)
Buchanan was our second gay president.
Abraham Lincoln (1861-65)History has canonized the image of Lincoln with his trademark beard and stovepipe hat, but did you know that following a tragic accident in which his hat was tragically destoved, Lincoln shaved his beard and became "Shaveraham Lincoln?" In one speech, Shaveraham famously declared "In this darkest of times, when brother has turned against brother, friend against friend, when our nation has been torn asunder, how can I presume to grant my face the comfort and security of a beard? You see before you my sorrow and grief laid as bare as my chin."
Andrew Johnson (1865-69)
Like Andrew Jackson, but different.
Ulysses S. Grant (1869-77)
The "S" stands for strangulation, a reference to Grant's predilection for strangling Southerners, which is largely how the Civil War was won. What you DON'T know is that Grant was actually the puppet of his first Vice President, Schuyler Colfax, Jr., after whom New Jersey was named.
Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-81)
The "B" didn't actually stand for anything, Hayes was just jealous of Grant's middle initial.
James A. Garfield (March 1881-September 1881)
Another middle initial wannabe. After his assassination, Garfield's middle initial was appropriated by his successor, Chester A. Arthur.
Chester A. Arthur (1881-85)
Due to a childhood accident, Arthur had a debilitating fear of stairs that severely limited his ability to move about the White House.
Grover Cleveland (1885-89)
Cleveland had a long career as a spy and master of disguise before becoming president, and often disappeared for long periods of time before mysteriously reappearing. He did this, rather than running for re-election, after his first term was over.
Benjamin Harrison (1889-93)
Throughout his time in office, Harrison was plagued by a mysterious voice that criticized his every move and followed him around the White House. By the end of four years, he was a nervous wreck and refused to run again.
Grover Cleveland (1893-97)
Cleveland easily regained the presidency after revealing that he had, in fact, been in the White House for the past four years, posing as a potted deer fern.
William McKinley (1897-1901)
McKinley was extremely virile and fathered over 200 children.
Theodore Roosevelt (1901-09)
Contrary to popular belief, Teddy Roosevelt was actually a small, thin, and sickly man who preferred to stay indoors. He had a very skilled and imaginative press secretary, however.
William Howard Taft (1909-13)
Taft once became lodged in a train car for 4 days before he could be greased sufficiently to slide free.
Woodrow Wilson (1913-21)
His famous Fourteen Points on how to prevent another debilitating war were actually initially Fifteen Points. The missing point was: "All should agree that the President of the United States should be given a special hat which designates his primacy in world relations and allows him to eat for free at all restaurants the world over."
Warren G. Harding (1921-23)
Created an official edict reestablishing the importance of the presidential middle initial.
Calvin Coolidge (1923-29)
He refused to take on a middle initial because he liked his name so much.
Herbert Hoover (1929-33)
Hoover chose a middle initial, but lost it in the stock market crash.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-45)
"Agent D" was a secret merman spy. (See "Lesser-Known Wars of the Twentieth Century," Gargoyle Vol. XCVIII, No. 3)
Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)
For years, the military used Truman as a kind of human super-weapon. He was almost preternaturally skilled in the art of war. A common misconception is that two atomic bombs
were dropped on Japan at the conclusion of World War Two. In fact,
only one was dropped on Hiroshima. The population of Nagasaki was wiped out
entirely by President Truman himself.
Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-61)
Very few people who knew Ike actually liked him.
John F. Kennedy (1961-63)
The term "Camelot," describing Kennedy's short period in office was surprisingly apt. Kennedy was, in fact, a descendant of King Arthur and once pulled a golden fountain pen out of a stone.
Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-69)
Johnson was not only sworn in on Air Force One, he actually lived on Air Force One, which remained in the air for the duration of his presidency.
Richard Nixon (1969-74)
Nixon was a pretty nice guy once you got past his asshole exterior.
Gerald Ford (1974-77)
Ford was our first android president.
Jimmy Carter (1977-81)
One night, on a lonely country road, Jimmy Carter murdered a young hitchhiker. He never told a soul and the boy's body was never found.
Ronald Reagan (1981-89)
Reagan ended the Cold War by recruiting a secret team of top scientists to create "Global Warming," which defrosted Russia just enough to cripple its Communist resolve.
George H. W. Bush (1989-93)
In an effort to outdo his predecessors, Bush Sr. took on two middle initials.
Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
Clinton has had sexual intercourse with over thirty world leaders, including Yasser Arafat and Roseanne Barr.
George W. Bush (2001-09)
Dubya is actually capable of speaking to animals, which is why he sometimes seems unaccustomed to speaking English.
Barack Obama (2009-?)
It's hard to say what interesting things Barry-O will do as president. This historian only hopes that Joe Biden does not give him rabies.
[This article originally published in Vol. C, No. 3 of the Gargoyle Humor Magazine]
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